Work-Life Balance & Relationships

Don’t React, Learn to Respond

“If a situation arises that irritates us, we immediately react, almost always in anger. For a better outcome, try responding instead.”

I read something very interesting in a book recently which made a huge impact on me and I am certain that you will have some lessons to learn as well.

Let’s consider this example. It is pouring one night and you go to a local shopping centre to pick up some medicines. The downpour forces you to look for a parking slot close to the pharmacy. To your luck the parking lot is full. But there are two parking slots right in front of the store that have been occupied by one badly parked vehicle. As there are clearly marked parking bays there is no valid reason for the car to be parked haphazardly, denying another vehicle the much-needed parking space. What are your feelings when you experience something like this?

Perhaps you get angry and feel frustrated. Let’s assume that you finally find a place to park you vehicle. You approach the pharmacy, run into the driver of the badly parked car and give him a piece of your mind. But the driver just does not respond and simply runs out. Infuriated by his behaviour you abuse him in an offending manner.

Once you are inside the shop you get to know that there has just been a bad accident nearby and the driver of the car had parked carelessly in order to call the police and an ambulance. He had come into the pharmacy to pick up first aid for those who were injured in the accident.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL NOW?

In the first situation, you reacted without thinking and therefore (I am certain) you don’t feel good about your behaviour. You feel sorry for having lost your cool and for being unreasonable. But the damage is done and there isn’t much you can do about it.

LET US SUMMARIZE THIS SITUATION THROUGH A SIMPLE EQUATION:

Situation + Reaction = Disaster.

The key word here is reaction. Often in life we react, be it at home with our siblings, on the road with fellow drivers or at the work place with colleagues. And each time we react we create a disaster of sorts, for others and ourselves. Reaction results in tension, creating bitterness in people and therefore relationships suffer.

There is yet another simple but effective formula for success. I define it as:

Situation + Response = Outcome.

It suggests that when you find yourself in an awkward situation, first ask yourself what you would like to have as an outcome of your action and then respond. This will ensure rational thinking before you act.

Consider once more the previous example of the driver. If you wanted to communicate to the driver that he was causing inconvenience to others, then, that is the message you need to focus on. This allows you to respond and get your message across effectively, without hurting anybody’s feelings.

It is easier said than done because people usually react to most situations. It is almost like going against a habit that you have mastered for many years. Stephen Covey says, “Each of us tends to think we see things as they are; that we are objective. But this is not the case; we see the world not as it is, but as we are — or as we are conditioned to see it.” Therefore, we rarely see things from others’ point of view. This causes misunderstandings, difference of opinions and we tend to lose our temper and often react. The net result is disaster.

However, if you are keen to change and want to master the ‘response habit’, then, take the first step and list down a few situations in which you are tuned to react. For example, when you are running late and traffic is slow moving, chances are that you get irritated with all drivers ahead of you. When you are running against time on a project and someone in your team makes a silly mistake, or while waiting that extra minute in the restaurant for your order to be served, you are tempted to react.

Now, ask yourself a question — What would you like to have as an outcome for all these situations? Perhaps, make a quick call to the people you are supposed to meet and inform them that you are running late. Speak to the team member who made a mistake and find out why the mistake occurred, perhaps also give him a chance to make amends. Request the waiter to speed up things for you. You will be surprised at the results you can produce with the ability to respond.

Let me warn you that it is not easy to adapt to this new behaviour and you will go wrong and continue to react. However, catch yourself reacting and instead respond immediately. This will allow you to do some instant damage control.

It is like learning to drive a car, you make mistakes initially but with practice you get better. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit. So, go ahead and respond.